Loving Myself: Introspections on a New Year

January 1st. The day we all decree that we are going to change. That this new year will be better than the last. We all make crazy promises to ourselves that we're going to go to the gym everyday and spend less money on clothes.

I've made the same promises. Promises that I'll eat better, that I'll work more, and believe in myself harder. That last one is a kicker. Believing in yourself.

Isn't that where resolutions go to die? I like to think that I believe hardest in myself. That if there was nothing else I could believe, I could believe in me. I could believe in what I knew about myself, and things that made me me. I thought at 24, that I would have reached that finished state, that "me" destination where I was set. This was me. This is who I'm going to be. It was a startling realization to find that I'm no more finished finding me than the sun is done rising.

We are constantly changing and evolving, bettering ourselves, becoming. And that's a noble pursuit. It's natural to want something more for yourself. And what better time to start than at the beginning of a bright new year?

Except this year, let's make goals that we can actually reach. Resolutions that can actually be resolved. The idea of me not eating a donut in 2014 is not really believable. Donuts are delicious. Lets make plans to become a better us. Look at our lives and find one thing that we're not comfortable with. Start there.

We live in an age of body-shaming and it's relentless. It permeates everything. It's on our televisions and in our magazines. Online and in print. It's even in our own hearts. Is anyone really harder on us than we are on ourselves? I'm tired of looking at myself and comparing myself to others. I have more vicious thoughts about myself than I'm sure others do. Phrases we throw out to beat others to the punch. "I'm so fat." , "Look at that whale in the mirror", etc, etc. Am I overweight? Yes. Could I stand to drop a few? Obviously. But I am still beautiful. How can I feel beautiful if I talk to myself like that? How can anyone feel anything good when they have those thoughts? How can I expect others to love me if I don't love myself? That's my resolution for 2014, to love myself so much that the rest of the world can't help but love me too.

Our beauty is so big that it should be impossible not to see it. This year I'm going to stop the fat talk, and the ugly talk, and the stupid talk, or the thin talk. We all struggle with loving our bodies in different ways. My body lets me enjoy life, read good books, and experience wonderful things. And I love it.

I've moved, literally!

Hey all! I'm posting these days over on my other blog, Made in Taiwan. This is because I've moved to Taiwan!!! Yes!

I'm teaching English to 6 year-old's in Taiwan for a year. Crazy, right!? So if you're interested in keeping up with my travel blog, leave your email in the comments of this post. I'm making the blog private, as I will be talking about my students. So thanks readers! I'll be back posting here in a year or so!!

My 2012 Manifesto

man·i·fes·to

noun \ˌma-nə-ˈfes-(ˌ)tō\

plural man·i·fes·tos or man·i·fes·toes

Definition of MANIFESTO

: a written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives, or views of its issuer

This year I pledge to:

1. Laugh at least once a day.
2. Do something that scares me.
3. Finish my novel.
4. Be more charitable.
5. Take better care of myself.
6. Be more empathetic.
7. Take advantage of every opportunity.
8. Love my life.
9. Stop letting my life pass me by.

Forgetting the Past is Hard to do.

So I found my 8th grade journal while digging in the garage today. Let's just say that reading it was a bit humbling. No matter how smart we think we've always been, at one time we were stupid teenagers with an impossible crush. Check this:

APRIL 19, 2003
 I didn't do much today, I thought about Clancy* again. His real name is Clancy Jones, I don't know his middle name. I really like him. I should say that I like things about him. I don't really know a ton about him. I know he plays guitar, I can kinda play the drums-- we could be a musically talented couple. He is a skater, too! He is also popular, the curse of any not super popular but not unpopular girl's crush. He seems so unattainable I know he would never go for a girl like me.

Really, Kristi!? Really? How ridiculous was that? I don't even remember thinking these things let alone writing them down. I'm blushing right now. Gosh, that's awful. The journal just gets worse from there, devolving into amateur sketches and declarations of unrequited love. I was a sad little girl.

I'll say this though, any guy I'm with will know how I feel about him. Apparently, I have lots of love to give. Crikey.

*Name changed to preserve my dignity...and his.

Bah!

I've decided that after this post I will no longer write an apology post after not blogging in forever. Blogging means never having to say you're sorry, right? Besides, it ain't no thang, I'm back now.

I love that phrase,"ain't no thang". I giggle inside every time I say it. People probably hate me. So enjoy it, this my last apology post. Sorry.

All-Hoochies Eve

What is it about Halloween that suddenly makes it okay for girls to dress like a slightly classier version of a hooker working her corner? Bees aren't sexy. They sting you and in some extreme cases even cause death. Ladybugs aren't sexy. They're bugs.

Same with the sexy maid costumes. While I understand that the thought of having someone come in and clean your house for you weekly so you don't have to inspires certain feelings, most maids I've met are older women trying to earn some "mad money". Not exactly Megan Fox.

It baffles me. And kind of makes me sick. All growing up, we had one real rule about Halloween-- we had to be something scary. I've been a ruthless witch, a heartless pirate wench, and a mystically terrifying gypsy. I think there were a few early years where we did cutesy family costumes, but that was it. I distinctly remember once asking my mom if I could be a princess. She responded with a , "you can be a zombie princess who wants to eat everyone's brains." I didn't want blood on my princess gown, so I chose something else.

I always had fun Halloweens and I never felt the need to flash the cleavage or show a massive amount of my pale thighs. For the better of everyone, ultimately. Let's keep our goodies in our treat bags, yes? Thanks.

Consistency

I suck at consistency. My follow-through has never been very good. I always have the best of intentions. I always plan on cleaning my room each day so it stays nice. I always plan on doing my laundry weekly in order to avoid a clothes pile up. I always plan on writing oodles each day. I always plan on being a better blogger. Then life gets in the way and makes everything all hinky. I'm working on it.